Wednesday, December 23, 2009

memories of a vegas wedding

Several years ago some friends got married in Vegas by an Elvis impersonator. I had a kitscherrific time, but wedding-wise a few things went wrong:

1. At those Las Vegas wedding chapels they schedule ceremonies back to back. If someone, like the bride's sister, is running late they might miss the wedding all together.

2. Having the dinner at a casino's buffet might be funny, but eating in a generic banquet room with no decoration, no music and terrible lighting is depressing.

3. The best man and maid of honor need to understand that they have to get up and make a toast. It doesn't matter if they're shy or can't think of what to say; the night is not about them. If they don't toast, no one else will and then the happy couple won't get to hear how much everyone loves them.

Monday, December 21, 2009

just airbrush it

Linda & Sara are sisters. Linda married Dave. They appeared in many professional portraits taken at Sara's wedding. Before the portraits were printed and delivered, Linda & Dave got divorced. So, Sara and her new husband, Chuck, had Dave "photoshopped" out of all the portraits. It's as if Dave was never a part of the family. Except, Linda told me, there is one portrait in which the photographer forgot to delete Dave's feet.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

thanks neko

star witness

Hey pretty baby get high with me,
We can go to my sisters if we say we'll watch the baby
The look on your face yanks my neck on the chain
And I would do anything
To see you again

My second favorite lyric is actually more appropriate for this forum, huh?

I leave the party at 3am, alone, thank God
With a Valium from the bride
It's the devil I love
It's as funny as real love
And it's as real as true love


adj 1 : sexually aroused - syn hot and bothered, inflamed 2 : infatuated to the point of distraction - syn bewitched, captivated

-slang flashcards

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

hip(pie) hop-inspired

Last weekend, I went to the wedding of an old friend. He was the first person to be friendly to me at a new school in the 8th grade. In high school he shunned drugs & alcohol for skateboarding & playing acid jazz. I once offered to carry his baby (long story, not exactly what it seems.) Now, among other things, he's a sweet, stoned dj influenced in equal parts by Wu Tang Clan and Bob Marley. His wedding was beautiful and drunk and I danced my feet off. But I can't help but come up with a few "always a bridesmaid" tips:

1. If you want to acknowledge "The Four Directions" in your ceremony, make sure the officiant knows where to turn to face each one.
1a. I prefer a ceremony where the bride and groom have not seen each other since getting gussied up. My sentimental side likes to see the groom's face when he sees his bride looking so gorgeous.

2. An onion stuffed with rice is not a sufficient vegetarian substitute for chicken.

3. If possible, do the toasts while everyone is sitting at dinner. Once they're standing in the reception hall they're too drunk and antsy to dance to listen.

4. A big fireplace with a pile of pillows for the kids to fall asleep on is the cutest.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

frank o'hara

Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, IrĂșn, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles

and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
it seems they were all cheated of some marvellous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I’m telling you about it

Monday, August 17, 2009

H.H. Munro

...or perhaps she was drawn to his unusual amber eyes and he was taken in by her inadvertently sexy, self-conscious girlishness. maybe he took great pleasure in shocking her, in playing to her secret more sophisticated desires. and she was secretly amused and gratified that he took it as a given that she was highly competent and did not have to prove herself to him in any way whatsoever.

edith wharton

her words pelted me like hail:

"he just took what he wanted; sifted and sorted you to suit his taste; burnt out the gold and left a heap of cinders. and you let him. you let yourself be cut in bits...and used or discarded. while all the while every drop of blood in you belonged to him. but he's shylock and you have bled to death of the pound of flesh he has cut out of you..."

she thinks the pound of flesh you took was a little too near the heart...she expressed an unwillingness to be taken "with reservations." she thinks you would have loved her better if you had loved someone else first.

Friday, August 14, 2009

why am i here?

I started this blog, in part, to offer wedding advice from the perspective of a "might as well be professional" bridesmaid. Obviously, I have strayed from that path. So, in an effort to regain some focus, here are some quick tips:

1) If you want to serve Jack & Cokes and margaritas, make sure you feed your guests a full meal. Finger foods and crudites are not going to cut it. By the end of the night you'll have crying, falling down, swearing and fighting.

2) If you have your wedding on a Monday, you will probably save a lot of money but you'll lose some guests.

3) If you want to have a candle lighting "ceremony" remember that it can be windy outside.

important reminder

(937): Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls. (sic)


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Ernest Hemingway & F. Scott Fitzgerald

i went out the door and suddenly i felt lonely and empty. i had treated seeing catherine very lightly, i had gotten somewhat drunk and had nearly forgotten to come but when i could not see her there i was feeling lonely and hollow.

"You said a bad driver was only safe until she met another bad driver? Well, I met another bad driver, didn't I? I mean it was careless of me to make such a wrong guess. I thought you were rather an honest, straightforward person. I thought it was your secret pride."

"I'm thirty," I said. "I'm five years too old to lie to myself and call it honor."

She didn't answer. Angry, and half in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

hey dudes

Stop touching ladies you don't know yet in the waist / tummy / hip area. It's too intimate. In recent poll, we'd rather have our ass or tits touched than that area. Thanks.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Saturday, March 21, 2009

tough love

There is a new show on MTV (or VH1 or some place) where a male matchmaker gives dating advice to a group of ladies looking to get married. Despite my distaste for reality shows, I'll probably get hooked on this one. It just speaks to my ongoing curiosity about dating, relationships and, ultimately, love. I have been willing to try almost anything in a quest for connection and to add to my research - "traditonal dates", blind dates, long term texting relationships with someone I've never met, online dating, one night stands, etc... And I'm always open to feedback (even though it stings sometimes) on my technique, my persona.

I recently went on a first drink with a guy I met online. He was perfectly fine: polite, normal, attractive, but there was no spark. I don't think he was especially taken with me either, since he took several days to send me this beyond-vague follow up, "had a mellow time the other night. nice!" To be fair, I didn't send him any follow up; at least he's trying. So, here I am trying to decide what, if anything, will be my next move and it hits me -

There should be a "tough love" dating site (maybe there already is??) where you are expected to send feedback to the other members. For example, that email you sent about the time you almost slept with a high class call girl weirded me out. Or, when you told me you don't read much it turned me off. And they could tell me, I felt like you were interrogating me instead of showing real interest. Or, you don't do your pics justice. That way, we could all improve our "game" while meeting new people, thus increasing our chances of more dates, a relationship and, maybe, love.

Friday, March 13, 2009


225 days under grass
and you know more than I.

they have long taken your blood,
you are a dry stick in a basket.

is this how it works?

in this room
the hours of love
still make shadows.

when you left
you took almost

I kneel in the nights
before tigers
that will not let me be.

what you were
will not happen again.

the tigers have found me
and I do not care.


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

the most romantic

Someone posted the first line of this as their Facebook status after an awkward goodbye with me. I would like to think it was dedicated to me. Either way, it's a beautiful poem by a poet I probably need to know more about, Julio Cortazar.

The keepsake you've bequeathed me, a face among mirrors and dirty saucers,
contributes to my suspicion that the universe isn't perfect.
The awkwardness of our last hour together
argues the certainty that the sun is poisoned,
that inside every grain of wheat a deadly weapon trembles -
when all should have come clear, in a silence
where nothing would have been left unsaid.
But that's not how it was, and we parted
the way we deserved to, really, in a filthy cafe,
surrounded by ghosts and cigarette butts,
mixing our pitiful kisses with night's undertow.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

keeping the romance alive

What I learned in the last few days: It's not that true love and commitment with no cheating and lots of hard work doesn't exist at all. It's that it doesn't exist for dysfunctional people who aren't dealing with their issues.