hip(pie) hop-inspired

Last weekend, I went to the wedding of an old friend. He was the first person to be friendly to me at a new school in the 8th grade. In high school he shunned drugs & alcohol for skateboarding & playing acid jazz. I once offered to carry his baby (long story, not exactly what it seems.) Now, among other things, he's a sweet, stoned dj influenced in equal parts by Wu Tang Clan and Bob Marley. His wedding was beautiful and drunk and I danced my feet off. But I can't help but come up with a few "always a bridesmaid" tips:

1. If you want to acknowledge "The Four Directions" in your ceremony, make sure the officiant knows where to turn to face each one.
1a. I prefer a ceremony where the bride and groom have not seen each other since getting gussied up. My sentimental side likes to see the groom's face when he sees his bride looking so gorgeous.

2. An onion stuffed with rice is not a sufficient vegetarian substitute for chicken.

3. If possible, do the toasts while everyone is sitting at dinner. Once they're standing in the reception hall they're too drunk and antsy to dance to listen.

4. A big fireplace with a pile of pillows for the kids to fall asleep on is the cutest.

frank o'hara

Having a Coke with You

is even more fun than going to San Sebastian, Irún, Hendaye, Biarritz, Bayonne
or being sick to my stomach on the Travesera de Gracia in Barcelona
partly because in your orange shirt you look like a better happier St. Sebastian
partly because of my love for you, partly because of your love for yoghurt
partly because of the fluorescent orange tulips around the birches
partly because of the secrecy our smiles take on before people and statuary
it is hard to believe when I’m with you that there can be anything as still
as solemn as unpleasantly definitive as statuary when right in front of it
in the warm New York 4 o’clock light we are drifting back and forth
between each other like a tree breathing through its spectacles


and the portrait show seems to have no faces in it at all, just paint
you suddenly wonder why in the world anyone ever did them
I look
at you and I would rather look at you than all the portraits in the world
except possibly for the Polish Rider occasionally and anyway it’s in the Frick
which thank heavens you haven’t gone to yet so we can go together the first time
and the fact that you move so beautifully more or less takes care of Futurism
just as at home I never think of the Nude Descending a Staircase or
at a rehearsal a single drawing of Leonardo or Michelangelo that used to wow me
and what good does all the research of the Impressionists do them
when they never got the right person to stand near the tree when the sun sank
or for that matter Marino Marini when he didn’t pick the rider as carefully
as the horse
it seems they were all cheated of some marvellous experience
which is not going to go wasted on me which is why I’m telling you about it

H.H. Munro

...or perhaps she was drawn to his unusual amber eyes and he was taken in by her inadvertently sexy, self-conscious girlishness. maybe he took great pleasure in shocking her, in playing to her secret more sophisticated desires. and she was secretly amused and gratified that he took it as a given that she was highly competent and did not have to prove herself to him in any way whatsoever.

edith wharton

her words pelted me like hail:

"he just took what he wanted; sifted and sorted you to suit his taste; burnt out the gold and left a heap of cinders. and you let him. you let yourself be cut in bits...and used or discarded. while all the while every drop of blood in you belonged to him. but he's shylock and you have bled to death of the pound of flesh he has cut out of you..."

she thinks the pound of flesh you took was a little too near the heart...she expressed an unwillingness to be taken "with reservations." she thinks you would have loved her better if you had loved someone else first.

why am i here?

I started this blog, in part, to offer wedding advice from the perspective of a "might as well be professional" bridesmaid. Obviously, I have strayed from that path. So, in an effort to regain some focus, here are some quick tips:

1) If you want to serve Jack & Cokes and margaritas, make sure you feed your guests a full meal. Finger foods and crudites are not going to cut it. By the end of the night you'll have crying, falling down, swearing and fighting.

2) If you have your wedding on a Monday, you will probably save a lot of money but you'll lose some guests.

3) If you want to have a candle lighting "ceremony" remember that it can be windy outside.

important reminder

(937): Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls. (sic)

Thanks textsfromlastnight.com

Ernest Hemingway & F. Scott Fitzgerald

i went out the door and suddenly i felt lonely and empty. i had treated seeing catherine very lightly, i had gotten somewhat drunk and had nearly forgotten to come but when i could not see her there i was feeling lonely and hollow.


"You said a bad driver was only safe until she met another bad driver? Well, I met another bad driver, didn't I? I mean it was careless of me to make such a wrong guess. I thought you were rather an honest, straightforward person. I thought it was your secret pride."

"I'm thirty," I said. "I'm five years too old to lie to myself and call it honor."

She didn't answer. Angry, and half in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away.